Missing My Dad

Nine years.

Has it really been that long?

Nine years ago, I was an 18-year-old high school senior about to graduate.

And one night, my dad was gone. Just like that. No warning signs. Nothing.

He had a heart attack, and he didn't survive.

My world has not been the same since the very moment I found out. My life is not complete. My dad was not at my wedding last May. He did not have the opportunity to throw back some beers with my husband. He won't get to meet his grand-baby this fall.

But time does help. Life is not the same without him, and I still see or hear things that immediately make me want to tell him. And that hurts. But every day life isn't painful. I enjoy it, and I know he would want me to.

I've heard my entire life that I am his lookalike. That is something I can hold on to forever, and I appreciate that.

March 4th will always be a tough day for me. His birthday would be on March 6th, too. Basically, this whole week just sucks every year. Time does help, but it's never, ever fun. 

    

You're As Free As a Bird Now (But I Wish That Weren't True)

*** My apologies if you saw this post last year. Today is a day that will forever be in my heart, and this year, I just have so much going on right now that I can't take the appropriate time to fully dedicate a post to my wonderful father... so I'm reposting the one from last year with a few modifications. ***

Eight years ago today, I lost the first man I ever loved.

My dad passed away from a massive heart attack when he was only two days shy of turning 45. I was 18 years old and just two and a half months away from graduating from high school. My little brother, Derek, was just an eighth grader, 14 years old.

From this point on, I apologize for the "stream-of-consciousness" writing. It's difficult to keep all of my thoughts straight as I write this...

From the day I was born, I was always "daddy's little girl". I was his mini-me in looks and personality. We got along so well, and I enjoyed spending time with him. We went running together, and I yelled from the sidelines at his softball games. He dragged me to Best Buy with him time after time when he needed new tunes, and I remember the time when I FINALLY wanted to go with him because I wanted a CD of my very own to play in my Sony Walkman. He was ecstatic because I wasn't complaining about going to "the most boring store on earth", so he bought me TWO CDs to begin my collection. I think he was SLIGHTLY embarrassed with my selections, though, as I chose the Spice Girls and the Backstreet Boys, naturally. ;) Although, he shouldn't have been TOO embarrassed about that because he used to do my hair and make-up for dance recitals if my mom was at work... totally.

Shortly after returning to school after taking a week off after his sudden death, I received a card FULL of notes from my friends and teachers offering their condolences. One thing in particular that one of my friends wrote sticks out to me, and I rely on this quote regularly: "Tough times don't last, but tough people do." That is always a nice reminder that although my dad is gone and that was definitely an extremely tough point in my life, I must go on. I must keep on living. I'd like to think that I am making him proud as a grow into a woman with a career of my own.

One thing that bugs me more than anything is that he will never meet Dan. Oh, how I wish he could have met Dan. It pains me to know that they will never get to joke around together. They will never sip beers and grill steaks together. They will never bowl or golf together. They will never get to both love me at the same time.

My dad won't be at my wedding in under three months. He won't be there to walk me down the aisle. He won't be sitting there in the front row with my mom. He won't be able to dance with me in front of everyone. Isn't that what every bride dreams of? It is extremely difficult to deal with that knowledge now that the big day is getting so close. 

I miss my dad every single day. Time makes things easier, but I know that I will never let a day pass by without thinking of him. Sometimes, to this day, seven years later, I still hear something cool and think: "My dad would love that!" and make a plan to tell him, only to remember that I can't. And sometimes he appears in my dreams.

I want to share a few (okay, many) pictures with all of my readers. I chose these because they are my favorites. To all of you who knew him: enjoy. These truly are a blast from the past.

just after I was born :)

twins! 

I remember being carried around like this often...

one of my favorites! :)

just after my brother was born :)

one of my favorites :)

playing catch with the football :)

Royal Gorge Bridge :)

Pikes Peak :)

Pikes Peak :)

I LOVE this picture of us :)

I had the opportunity to be nominated for Homecoming Queen my senior year of high school. My dad got all dressed up to walk with me on the football field during the Homecoming football game. These are some of the last pictures we have together, and I will cherish them forever. 

I had the opportunity to be nominated for Homecoming Queen my senior year of high school. My dad got all dressed up to walk with me on the football field during the Homecoming football game. These are some of the last pictures we have together, and I will cherish them forever. 

I had the opportunity to be nominated for Homecoming Queen my senior year of high school. My dad got all dressed up to walk with me on the football field during the Homecoming football game. These are some of the last pictures we have together, and I will cherish them forever. 

I had the opportunity to be nominated for Homecoming Queen my senior year of high school. My dad got all dressed up to walk with me on the football field during the Homecoming football game. These are some of the last pictures we have together, and I will cherish them forever. 

a friend made this collage for me shortly after his death

And in his memory, I'll share his favorite song, the one I can't listen to without succumbing to my emotions, the one we played at his funeral... Freebird by Lynyrd Skynyrd. You can listen to it by CLICKING HERE.

Tough Times

I've been a really bad blogger lately. I'm well aware of that.

The reason behind that is that the past couple of weeks have been crazy, hectic, stressful, and rough.

Dan went out of town a couple weeks ago to see his dad when he got a phone call that he was in the ICU and not doing well. He stayed there with him for eight days, and he passed away last Thursday (yes, the same day he found out where we'll be moving).

This has been really tough on Dan (and therefore on me because when he hurts, I hurt {not to mention the fact that I've been through all of this before}).

Dan with his parents after his USAFA Prep School graduation in May of 2010

However, he has a lot of good memories to reminisce about, and we found out that we have lots of incredibly supportive friends and family members. One of our couple friends even drove from Ohio to Missouri to support Dan, and that was incredible.

The funeral was on Saturday, and I flew in on Friday (so I only had to miss one day of teaching). We drove back together on Sunday, and we are finally getting back into some sort of a routine.

Dan finally got to meet Tyler, our friends Joe and Ellie's baby, when they drove to Missouri over the weekend. Doesn't he look great with a baby? ;-)

Hopefully things will get back to normal soon!

• Have you ever been away from your blog due to stress?
• Have you lost a parent?

Book Review: The Storyteller

Can anyone name my favorite author? No? Okay, I'll tell you, but only because I want to share this amazing woman with the rest of the world. If you haven't been living under a rock, however, you probably are already familiar with Jodi Picoult. She takes current issues, asks herself a 'what-if?' question, and tells the story beautifully... every single time. The Storyteller, her most recent novel, is certainly no exception.

Goodreads gives the perfect synopsis for The Storyteller:

Sage Singer befriends an old man who's particularly beloved in her community. Josef Weber is everyone's favorite retired teacher and Little League coach. They strike up a friendship at the bakery where Sage works. One day he asks Sage for a favor: to kill him. Shocked, Sage refuses… and then he confesses his darkest secret - he deserves to die, because he was a Nazi SS guard. Complicating the matter? Sage's grandmother is a Holocaust survivor.

What do you do when evil lives next door? Can someone who's committed a truly heinous act ever atone for it with subsequent good behavior? Should you offer forgiveness to someone if you aren't the party who was wronged? And most of all - if Sage even considers his request - is it murder, or justice?

Now, doesn't that sound compelling? Or not, if you're not like me. I have an odd fascination with books about the Holocaust. It started in seventh grade, when I read The Cage by Ruth Minsky Sender in class. I felt so deeply for the characters, and ever since, I haven't been able to avoid books about this subject. And with Jodi Picoult being my favorite author, reading The Storyteller was a no-brainer.

I don't want to give too many details about the book. This is one you simply have to read. Be prepared to stop and think. Be prepared to cry. Be prepared for this book to stay with you for a long, long time after you finish reading it. But most of all: just read it. It's brilliant; I promise. I haven't been this straight-forward about recommending a book in a long time (probably since I read The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, also a Holocaust book). Do yourself a favor, and pick up a copy of this book soon. 

• If you've read The Storyteller, what did you think?
• If you haven't read it yet, do you plan on it?
• Are you fascinated with a certain time period in our history?
• What is YOUR favorite book?

Book Review: If I Stay

If you're looking for a quick, dramatic read, you should check out If I Stay by Gayle Forman. I couldn't put it down -- but that was okay because it was nice and short! I was able to devour this book in just a couple sittings, despite my packed schedule.

One of my favorite websites, Goodreads, provides wonderful synopses of books. I am so glad I stopped wasting my time writing about the plot of novels I read. Borrowing from them is much more convenient, and it leaves me more time to simply give my opinion. 

If I Stay by Gayle Forman:

In a single moment, everything changes. Seventeen-year-old Mia has no memory of the accident; she can only recall riding along the snow-wet Oregon road with her family. Then, in a blink, she finds herself watching as her own damaged body is taken from the wreck...

A sophisticated, layered, and heart-achingly beautiful story about the power of family and friends, the choices we all make, and the ultimate choice Mia commands.

Overall, If I Stay is a novel that will stay with me for a long time. Immediately, I put myself in the narrator's shoes. I was completely engrossed with the topic of being barely alive and not completely comprehending the events around yourself. My own mortality is something that fascinates me. I don't mean that in a weird way at all, like I think about dying. I absolutely do not. I am a curious individual, though, and that curiosity gets the best of me. Often, when I am in seemingly dangerous situations, I wonder what it would be like. What it would feel like. How quick it would be. This novel hooked me in from the very beginning, and I highly recommend it to everyone.