Monday, October 26, 2015

When Breastfeeding Isn't As Easy As It Looks

Okay, guys, I'm gonna be real today. And if you don't want to read about breastfeeding, this post probably isn't for you. I'm going to use the word nipple - fair warning.

This article about exclusive pumping inspired me to share my struggle. It's definitely worth a read if you're not sure how much goes into exclusively pumping breastmilk for a baby.


*I am not anti formula feeding. I am pro feeding your baby and taking care of your baby and helping your baby grow strong in whatever way you choose. This is simply about how much I had my own heart set on breastfeeding.*

This is something I haven't really shared with many people yet... mostly just people who have visited us in Ohio to meet sweet Annabelle. Or people who see me feeding my tiny baby a bottle and I feel the need to justify myself for whatever reason. Or the judgmental ENT who performed my baby's tongue tie clip and was flabbergasted that I couldn't just whip out a breast to feed Annabelle after the procedure. 

Breastfeeding sure isn't as easy as they make it look and sound when you take all those classes during pregnancy. They show you videos of babies, minutes old, crawling up to their mothers' breasts and latching on like it's no big deal - like it's the only thing they know how to do in the entire world. Lactation consultants come speak about how all you have to do is move your baby's mouth if they have a poor latch - and voila - problem solved.

Not so much.

Let me start at the very beginning. 

Annabelle was born via induction (more on that soon - hopefully), and the medicine used can make breastfeeding more difficult. She also was taken from me after about 15 seconds due to her not crying. I didn't get her back in my arms for over 40 minutes, missing out on crucial skin to skin bonding time.  That can also hinder the breastfeeding process. That said, those things may have contributed to us not being able to feed/eat the way I had planned. 

The more likely reason? Who knows? Annabelle has a small mouth. She also eats like a barracuda, growling at whatever comes her way, shaking her head in excitement, and going crazy when the food doesn't come out quickly enough for her liking. I tried, and I tried to get her to eat from me. Dan tried his best to help by supporting her in different positions for me. He held her hands back out of the way. He called the nurses in to help (and they tried everything - they were wonderful). He even called the lactation consultant on base multiple times to get us seen by her - and she was so helpful too... even if the only thing she helped me with was accepting the fact that breastfeeding just wasn't going to work for us.

I was pretty devastated. I had been pumping milk since the second day of Annabelle's life, but I wasn't getting much - certainly not enough to feed her. Because of her low birth weight (just over six pounds), the pediatricians were worried and told us to supplement with formula... so we did. I kept pumping, as painful as it was, and as little as I was getting, so my baby could at least benefit from the nutrients and antibodies in my breastmilk. Dan tried his best to be supportive, but I felt like I was letting our entire family down. Annabelle wasn't getting the milk I thought she deserved. Dan was having to spend money on formula, which we did NOT plan on at all. And I was feeling down because I felt like I let them both down.

But if you know me at all, you know how stubborn I am. Stubborn people are persistent... and I did not give up. While I never have been able to get Annabelle to latch onto me for more than 20 seconds, I did keep pumping. Now, I'm making more milk than she drinks each day by 10 whole ounces. I have pumped close to 1,200 ounces in the past seven weeks, and Annabelle has eaten all but the 116 ounces I have frozen to use in the future. 

One awful bout of mastitis  and a trip to the doctor for antibiotics later, I am feeling extremely confident in our routine. Ask me again after we travel for the holidays when I have to pump in an airport, possibly during a flight, and in a car during a long road trip. I'm not sure how confident I'll be feeling then, but I'll always have this blog post as a reminder of how hard I've worked so far.

It may not be ideal, but we have a system down now that works for us. During the day (and in the middle of the night), I will feed Annabelle her four ounce bottle of breastmilk, and then she will play on her play yard or go back to sleep in her crib while I pump nearby in the rocking chair in her nursery for 20 minutes. I pump five to six times a day now for 20 minutes at a time and get about 35 ounces of milk a day. When Dan is home in the evenings, he feeds her while I pump.

It was super difficult at first. I felt like I was wasting my time because I couldn't do anything at the same time, and it was so much work for so little milk. I literally watched an entire season of Friends in three days, all while hooked up to a breast pump. Sensing my frustration (or seeing my tears), Dan quickly ordered me a hands free pumping bra online. Life changer. If you're in this situation, you absolutely need one. Now, I can Facebook, blog, read, make Etsy orders, etc. all while pumping - multitasking at its finest, am I right? 

Dan did the math for me (because why else would I marry a physicist if he wouldn't do tough things for me?!), and if I keep pumping at the same rate until July, we will have enough milk stored for little Miss Annabelle to continue reaping its benefits until she is one year old in September - and even beyond once we throw solid foods into the mix as well. One year of breastmilk for my baby is my ultimate goal... but if something prevents that, at least I can say I tried my very hardest.

So while exclusively pumping may not be ideal, and while it may feel like a hassle sometimes because I have to set aside time to feed my daughter AND make time to produce food for her separately, I know I am doing what my heart tells me to do.

And I'll work on trying to not feel the need to justify myself. 

• Did you have any breastfeeding troubles?


    

21 comments:

  1. Hugs!! A resource for you, if you don't already know about it, is The Leaky B@@b on Facebook. They have a page and a closed group (be patient to get into the community group!! It's worth it!) You're doing great!! I had issues too and it was due to my stubbornness that I got through it. A thing that helped me was "never give up on your worst day". My daughter was a barracuda with a small mouth too, it got better when she grew a little. At the end of the day, you're doing your best and your baby is fed. That's success.

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  2. Always do what is best for you not what others think you should do.

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  3. You do what's right for your family. So long as a baby is loved, it doesn't matter how they are fed.

    I was able to breastfeed but I was never able to pump. For some reason I could never get the dang milk out that way.

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  4. Hang in there! I struggled with breast feeding and pumping myself and I finally had to give up and do formula. I had to do what was best for my son and my milk was not cutting it.

    www.justamilitaryfamily.com

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  5. So inspired by you, Momma! Exclusively pumping is HARD WORK. I had to do that with my first son for a few months (although thankfully I was able to switch him back to breastfeeding when he was four months old), and I couldn't believe how difficult it was. With this baby, it's the complete opposite! My baby nurses very easily and is a total fatty from it, but I can hardly get anything with a pump. Every baby is so different and you got to do what you have to! Hang in there, love!

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  6. Keep up the good work. You two are wonderful parents. Thanks for sharing your story with all of us! :) Love you girl!

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  7. I feel like I'm reading my own story!! Couldn't get baby boy to latch correctly either - we tried the tongue tie procedure and still... He wasn't having it! I am now an exclusive pumper as well. I'm using the app "pump log" to help me track how much I'm making a day. I am totally with you on how hard it is to have to put the baby down and pump. At least daddies can help feed in the evening! And I have also wondered how this will go when we have to travel in the airport or my car... Although I have pumped in the car two times now and so far it hasn't been a big deal. Thanks for writing this post, I'm in the exact same boat with ya!

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  8. You're doing awesome!! You are doing the very best for Annabelle!

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  9. Thank you for sharing your story! I obviously can't relate but it makes me feel better to know that it's not always perfect for every momma.

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  10. Thank you for this!! My baby boy was also born in Sept and our story sounds simlilar to yours. I felt exactly the same way - who knew nursing could be so impossible?! By being exclusive Pumpers, we are breastfeeding our babies in a way that works for us!

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  11. I was an exclusive pumper for 3 months (and spent a 4th month drying up my milk and transitioning my son to 100% formula). I worked with 4 lactation consultants to try to get him to latch. He never did latch and it was probably the worst time in my life--as awful as that sounds. I cried every day in the shower and every night before I fell asleep. I ended up with postpartum depression. It took me a REALLY long time to bond with my son because I felt like he was rejecting me multiple times a day. There's so much pressure to breastfeed and not too many people talk about their struggles. You're right, for most people it's not easy at all. Now, my son is 2 1/2 and I love him so, so much. He really is the light of my life. I wish I knew then what I know now and I wouldn't have tortured myself for so long. I would've gotten more sleep and I would have enjoyed my baby boy so much more. Anyway, you're awesome and amazing. Don't feel like you *have* to keep going though. In my case, I would have been a much better wife and mom if I wasn't exclusively pumping. Just food for thought :)

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  12. I commend you for keeping with pumping. You should be extremely proud of yourself and your perseverance. Breastfeeding has never been easy for me, despite what everyone said and the classes we took beforehand. Our first would never latch and I quit pumping way too soon, I felt like a failure. She thrived though and is smart and amazing. I successfully breastfed my next 5, although not without a bunch of bumps and bruises along the way and I stayed determined to not quit.

    Thank you for sharing your story, your encouragement. It's posts like this that every mom, especially new moms need to read because if you breastfeed, or not or pump, or not, you are an amazing Momma who loves their beautiful baby for feeding your child to the best of their ability. Sorry to be so long winded. Kudos Momma. Kudos.

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  13. You would be amazed how many mommas have almost the same exact story as you. Take some solace in that fact! I am one of them, minus the low birth weight and that I ended my EPing at 10 weeks. It is so taxing on your sleep, mental health, and extremely difficult when having to find a space at work to pump in between meetings and conference calls. I commend you for commiting to the long haul of a year! Major props!

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  14. You are a rockstar and doing an amazing thing for your sweet girl! BFing is definitely NOT as easy as people make it sound. A couldn't latch properly for 6 weeks (tiny at 4lb, jaundice, premature and easily exhausted, etc). A nipple shield was the best investment, but the pain of constant pumping and battling the latch issue, plus newborn exhaustion was INTENSE. I felt so much, too, like I was failing! We're 16 months in and I'm not sure when A will be ready to wean, but I wish I could tell my newborn mama self that all that mattered was FEEDING her, period. :)

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  15. I have replied to those I could via email... but for all of the no-reply bloggers and non bloggers who commented, I just wanted to reach out and say thank you so much for the encouraging words!! I appreciated reading all of these and will definitely refer back to this post when I'm struggling. I'm so glad to know so many supportive people!! :)

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  16. My second would never latch and I ended up pumping exclusively for her, maybe 4-5 months? I can't even remember. But, man it's an emotional process when it doesn't go anything like you had planned all along!!! So glad you read you have such a great supportive team! :)

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  17. Way to go mama! That is some dedication! I had some issues with getting our second to latch and eat well. I swear, if I wasn't for the easy time I had with the first, I would have given up! Good for you for keeping it up!

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  18. You are awesome for keeping it up. I feel guilty saying this but I literally never had any issues and I nursed all four of mine, Just lucky I guess because I have heard horror stories!

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  19. Oh girl! I feel you so much; I want to come reach through this screen and hug you. I had those feelings and tears too, and it is really just the worst. You just feel so helpless and alone, but know that you have so many out here cheering for you. That is awesome that you are able to get that much from pumping! Also great idea to get the hands free bra. I wish I would have done that sooner. And if you ever need someone to vent to, don't hesitate to message me. Sometimes it is nice to just have someone say, I feel you and went through that too. Good job making it to where you are! I think the best thing for me was to give myself short term goals, so I just aimed for the next month, which made me feel more triumphant then dreading trying to get to 6 months or a year.

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  20. Hi! This is Megan from peas and carrots on etsy. :-) Found your blog through your Instagram and just had to take a peek! After I read this I just had to comment to give my support. I exclusively pumped with my first due to an emergency c section and a week in the nicu...we didn't get off to a great start. Did that for 8 months before my milk dried up.

    Totally wanted a different experience with my second and at first I thought it was working! Unintentional vbac (she was almost born in the car!) and latched great immediately after birth. Ate and ate and ate and ate...and never got satisfied...and lost weight....and lost more weight...and thus began my journey of exclusive pumping again (And supplementing with formula). This time around I never made enough despite every trick in the book. A few weeks ago (she just turned 5 months) I threw in the towel...I was only pumping 5oz a day. I was pretty bummed...I really wanted it to work this time around but my body had other plans...emergency surgery for retained placenta (second time, my uterus is apparently Velcro), two bouts with pneumonia and just life in general I think made my body say 'yeah, no thank you'. So my sweet Ella is formula fed now...and I've made peace with it.

    So I just wanted to say good luck with your journey no matter how it ends up...be gentle with yourself!

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  21. This is amazing, Janelle! I found your blog via Facebook and just wanted to encourage you in your journey with your little Annabelle. I cannot imagine how determined you must have been to get your routine going and know how hard it is being a new mommy without pumping a zillion hours a day those first few weeks! (I have a 5 month old.). What an accomplishment!!! :)

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