Missing My Dad

Nine years.

Has it really been that long?

Nine years ago, I was an 18-year-old high school senior about to graduate.

And one night, my dad was gone. Just like that. No warning signs. Nothing.

He had a heart attack, and he didn't survive.

My world has not been the same since the very moment I found out. My life is not complete. My dad was not at my wedding last May. He did not have the opportunity to throw back some beers with my husband. He won't get to meet his grand-baby this fall.

But time does help. Life is not the same without him, and I still see or hear things that immediately make me want to tell him. And that hurts. But every day life isn't painful. I enjoy it, and I know he would want me to.

I've heard my entire life that I am his lookalike. That is something I can hold on to forever, and I appreciate that.

March 4th will always be a tough day for me. His birthday would be on March 6th, too. Basically, this whole week just sucks every year. Time does help, but it's never, ever fun. 

    

How I Shared the News With My Husband

Before I begin, I want to remind you about my "Ask Me Anything" post from last Friday. Please send in more questions! I have several awesome questions already, but I would love to break down the questions and answers into different categories, and I don't think I have enough quite yet... so if you haven't already, please submit your questions for me!

How I Told My Husband that We're Having a Baby

As I shared in this post, I took my first (of soooo many) pregnancy tests on December 30th, 2014. The line was so faint that I didn't even believe it. I went to bed curious but NOT thinking, "Oh, wow, I'm pregnant!"

When I took two more (on December 31st, 2014), and I could still see faint lines, I knew that all three couldn't be wrong. But I went to the store on January 1st, 2015 to buy a digital test anyway, just because that's the kind of person I am. I took it, and the word "pregnant" appeared almost immediately.

I knew at that moment that everything was real. I knew I needed to come up with a plan to tell my husband. I always wanted to tell him in a cute way, so luckily, I had already made a custom onesie that I designed and had it stashed away in a drawer. Convenient, right?

That said, I was TERRIFIED. I didn't know how he was going to react because I had only been off of my birth control for one month. We didn't expect to be pregnant so soon, and I was pretty nervous about telling him.

I did what all nervous people do I always do when I'm nervous about something: I wrote Dan a letter. I thought about being a super big chicken and just leaving the letter on his desk... but I decided I did want to see his face when he read it.

He opened the letter, confused, and skipped straight to the last line... the one that said, "We are going to be parents." He looked at me funny, and then he read the entire letter. I was curious as to how he was going to react, but I had no reason to be anxious. Dan immediately said, "That's cool!" and jumped up and kissed me.

I gave him the adorable onesie I had made, and he loved it. He couldn't wait to show it off, and he wanted to tell everyone right away - but of course I explained why he couldn't just then.

We then watched an episode of the TV show we were in the middle of (Breaking Bad). About half way through the episode, it really sank in for Dan. "Are you sure?" he asked. "Well, I took FOUR tests, and they all say positive," I replied. Silence.

And then he went into overdrive. He has made lists, bought (a ton of) books, gone crazy shopping on Craigslist, accumulating things from friends, and being a master budgeter. He is super excited to be a dad. And I absolutely cannot wait to see him in his new role come September!

Dan has been flying for more than ten years. He competed on the flying team in college, and he heads to Air Force pilot training next spring. This was the PERFECT way to let him know he's going to be a dad! 

His first "dad" book! 

• How do you share big news with your significant other? 

You're As Free As a Bird Now (But I Wish That Weren't True)

*** My apologies if you saw this post last year. Today is a day that will forever be in my heart, and this year, I just have so much going on right now that I can't take the appropriate time to fully dedicate a post to my wonderful father... so I'm reposting the one from last year with a few modifications. ***

Eight years ago today, I lost the first man I ever loved.

My dad passed away from a massive heart attack when he was only two days shy of turning 45. I was 18 years old and just two and a half months away from graduating from high school. My little brother, Derek, was just an eighth grader, 14 years old.

From this point on, I apologize for the "stream-of-consciousness" writing. It's difficult to keep all of my thoughts straight as I write this...

From the day I was born, I was always "daddy's little girl". I was his mini-me in looks and personality. We got along so well, and I enjoyed spending time with him. We went running together, and I yelled from the sidelines at his softball games. He dragged me to Best Buy with him time after time when he needed new tunes, and I remember the time when I FINALLY wanted to go with him because I wanted a CD of my very own to play in my Sony Walkman. He was ecstatic because I wasn't complaining about going to "the most boring store on earth", so he bought me TWO CDs to begin my collection. I think he was SLIGHTLY embarrassed with my selections, though, as I chose the Spice Girls and the Backstreet Boys, naturally. ;) Although, he shouldn't have been TOO embarrassed about that because he used to do my hair and make-up for dance recitals if my mom was at work... totally.

Shortly after returning to school after taking a week off after his sudden death, I received a card FULL of notes from my friends and teachers offering their condolences. One thing in particular that one of my friends wrote sticks out to me, and I rely on this quote regularly: "Tough times don't last, but tough people do." That is always a nice reminder that although my dad is gone and that was definitely an extremely tough point in my life, I must go on. I must keep on living. I'd like to think that I am making him proud as a grow into a woman with a career of my own.

One thing that bugs me more than anything is that he will never meet Dan. Oh, how I wish he could have met Dan. It pains me to know that they will never get to joke around together. They will never sip beers and grill steaks together. They will never bowl or golf together. They will never get to both love me at the same time.

My dad won't be at my wedding in under three months. He won't be there to walk me down the aisle. He won't be sitting there in the front row with my mom. He won't be able to dance with me in front of everyone. Isn't that what every bride dreams of? It is extremely difficult to deal with that knowledge now that the big day is getting so close. 

I miss my dad every single day. Time makes things easier, but I know that I will never let a day pass by without thinking of him. Sometimes, to this day, seven years later, I still hear something cool and think: "My dad would love that!" and make a plan to tell him, only to remember that I can't. And sometimes he appears in my dreams.

I want to share a few (okay, many) pictures with all of my readers. I chose these because they are my favorites. To all of you who knew him: enjoy. These truly are a blast from the past.

just after I was born :)

twins! 

I remember being carried around like this often...

one of my favorites! :)

just after my brother was born :)

one of my favorites :)

playing catch with the football :)

Royal Gorge Bridge :)

Pikes Peak :)

Pikes Peak :)

I LOVE this picture of us :)

I had the opportunity to be nominated for Homecoming Queen my senior year of high school. My dad got all dressed up to walk with me on the football field during the Homecoming football game. These are some of the last pictures we have together, and I will cherish them forever. 

I had the opportunity to be nominated for Homecoming Queen my senior year of high school. My dad got all dressed up to walk with me on the football field during the Homecoming football game. These are some of the last pictures we have together, and I will cherish them forever. 

I had the opportunity to be nominated for Homecoming Queen my senior year of high school. My dad got all dressed up to walk with me on the football field during the Homecoming football game. These are some of the last pictures we have together, and I will cherish them forever. 

I had the opportunity to be nominated for Homecoming Queen my senior year of high school. My dad got all dressed up to walk with me on the football field during the Homecoming football game. These are some of the last pictures we have together, and I will cherish them forever. 

a friend made this collage for me shortly after his death

And in his memory, I'll share his favorite song, the one I can't listen to without succumbing to my emotions, the one we played at his funeral... Freebird by Lynyrd Skynyrd. You can listen to it by CLICKING HERE.